How to Gently Give Your Partner Some 'Bedroom Feedback' Without Hurting Their Feelings

After being intimate, you might say something like, "That was amazing!" or "You were great!" But what if you want to get more specific? Maybe you'd like them to ease up on the neck-biting, or you’re hoping for more oral attention. We all know communication is key for a better sex life, but figuring out how to bring up changes without bruising any feelings can be tricky.

Sexologist Dr. Shamyra Howard from We-Vibe suggests reframing it as "pleasure pointers" instead of criticism. She says, "Giving feedback on sex, especially when it might sound negative, isn't always easy. A lot of people haven’t learned how to have open conversations about sex, and it can be a sensitive topic. People often think their sexual performance is already just fine."

Talking about these things can feel a little awkward, but sharing “pleasure pointers,” as Dr. Howard calls them, can really enhance your intimacy and strengthen your relationship. Here are some respectful and gentle ways to bring it up.

When to say it

When providing feedback about a partner's sexual performance, Howard suggests that it’s usually best not to do so immediately after intimacy.

“The only time sexual feedback is advisable during sex is if someone feels pain, discomfort, or if there's a safety concern,” she explains. “For more specific feedback, it’s better when both partners know the conversation is coming. That’s why having a weekly 'sexual intimacy check-in' can be helpful.”

She also notes, “It’s a good idea to talk about sexual preferences before being intimate. This can help ease any anxiety around sex and performance.”

What to say

During sexual intimacy check-ins, Howard suggests asking questions like:

What have you enjoyed most about our sexual relationship recently?
Is there something you’d like us to do more often in bed?
Is there anything you’d like us to do less frequently?
What’s one thing I could do differently or better to make our next time more enjoyable for you?
Is there anything about your sexual preferences that I should know to improve our connection?
If any issues arise during sex—such as pain, discomfort, or something unsafe—Howard advises addressing them right away and using visual cues to communicate your needs.

"As long as you speak respectfully, there’s no wrong way to express that you’d like something different," she says. "Many partners respond well to a visual approach, saying something like, 'Let me show you what feels best,' or, 'Try it like this,' while gently guiding them."

What not to say

When giving sexual feedback to a partner, Howard emphasizes the importance of honesty, directness, and respect. "The aim is to focus on solutions, so for every concern, suggest a possible way to improve," she explains. "Avoid comments like, 'You never do this right,' as they are unproductive and may block your partner from understanding and addressing your needs."

She also recommends steering clear of feedback like, "This is the worst I’ve ever had," or, "My last partner did it this way."

The first comment, she says, "is neither kind nor constructive. The goal isn’t to hurt your partner’s feelings; it’s to enhance the pleasure you both experience."

As for comparisons, Howard advises that they’re unhelpful. "Your aim is to share tips that will improve your shared experience," she adds. "You’re working toward having the best intimacy together, not to compete with past partners."